Does It Ever End? I Wonder
“Do you even remember what the issue is/ You just trying to find where the tissue is/ You can still be who you wish you is/ It ain’t happen yet/ And that’s what the intuition is/” – Kanye West (I Wonder)
It’s 3 am and I’m wearing an oversized Polo Ralph Lauren shirt, cooking spaghetti and listening to Labi Siffre and Billy Joel.
Five months ago, I was sitting in a danfo with tears in my eyes and listening to this same songs.
I was battling an eviction notice.
What’s funny was after bawling my eyes out, I got home and drank about half a bottle of red wine I’d been gifted at work with a big loaf of brown bread (very Italian Mafia, I know) while playing a slew of love songs.
The combination of alcohol, gluten and sweet nothings was somehow enough to numb the pain.
I won’t really advise anyone to try this because instead of waking up the next day with a clearer head, I woke up and wolfed down what was left from the night before. Bread and wine together.
I casually made a joke that morning about having a drinking problem which made a friend laugh so hard.
But at that moment I somehow understood how people’s lives spiral downwards while they sink deeper and deeper into depression and alcohol and substance abuse.
Not sure anybody starts out wanting to be an alcoholic or a drug addict. Life just happens.
You try so hard to escape from your problems, but the truth is life is just one long series of problems. You are either in one, getting out of one or about to enter one.
And so it’s easy to be melancholic and throw in towel when it feels overwhelming. But what’s funnier is if you find some way to hold on, it always gets better.
But you’ll always have new problems.
Today might be tuition or rent. Tomorrow might be stubborn kids or a cheating spouse. It never ends.
Yesterday, I heard someone I admire so much telling his story about how he went from living in a house without windows and doors to buying the place.
But I’m also sure he has some new problems that aren’t related to shelter.
I don’t either.
And that’s why five months later I’m lounging in my house and about to eat my world-class spaghetti. I’ve got a shit ton of work to do, newer problems that need my attention, responsibilities, dreams to birth to reality, and a life to live.
Today is not Sunday and I have no idea why I’m writing this, but I just thought I should tell you that whatever it is you are going through, it always gets better. Always, always.
And stay away from drugs, kids. And drinking half a bottle of red wine.